Underground 02

by Harmanjot Kaur 

Things turn around and you see the sweet-bitter memories of the pre-UPSC preparation phase. What a lavish life it was, you being the teacher's favourite, good at sycophancy and above all a social animal who feast every passing day and hangouts.

When you look at the past memories, credit LawSikho and AILF, you somewhat feel pathetic yet beautiful. Things start roaming around and you question your own life and where you are taking it. The thoughts of Advocate-on-Record, people doing judiciary and internships at various courts seeps in.

The trouble of feeling like a left-out person and the 'wagering contract' you are playing with your own life can be seen every day in and day out. You sometimes feel stuck, at the time of preparation and question where you are going.....

The stillness yet the emotional intelligence of staying away from phone, friends and perpetually staying away from teachers and relatives. You speak less and a tone of uncertainty feels like a certain part being enmeshed somewhere deep in the conscience, hidden deep inside the somewhat mechanical way of focusing on completing the daily to-do lists and the basic textbooks.

Somewhere deep inside, you seem to look at the topic from an exam completing PoV vs. the type of person you were before. Doing PhD in a particular topic seems to be natural to me in the first year. 

Though living on the same earth, some kind of insecurity, depression, lidden with a nonchalant routine of storms, tornados and eventual raining every day from the dawn to dusk is a daily routine.! However, did I give up? No!

Indeed, I somehow love the process in itself, where I have actually fallen in love with the syllabus and the schedule. You look at yourself as the character of Sholay movie Basanti who would say "Mai Naachungi" and sometimes again look at the gloomy image of unemployment and the wagering contract you are having with your own life. 

You see AFCAT, CDS, Police exam and people preparing for Judiciary and practising law. Still, you juggling between the same Lakshmikanth, Shankar IAS and Spectrum Book. The virtual process of what you are learning new is zero. Except for the fact that thank God, current affairs bring something new each day :)

In addition to the turmoil, at least you have learnt the art of consolidating the material in a good format. This too after a long process of 1 to 1.5 years of constant struggle, rejecting your own notes, tearing notebooks, forgetting stuff and displacing the NCERTs and textbooks a thousand times. 

Thank God for the inspiration on April 10th, 2022 making short notes from Polity, History, Geography, Economy and Environment. Additionally, the investment in a folder on 18 April 2022... the heritage day (perhaps subconscious love due to History optional). At least after lakhs of failures to take mocks and start practising Maths,  now I have got the courage to look at the Maths textbook and Mocks!

Nonetheless, the great part lies in making a short diary of approximate 80 pages, having all the stuff imbibed in it with golden ink regarding the Mains and a 160 pages document having all the Prelims stuff. What a beauty of a Tazihaaa and Jallikattu you are playing with yourself!

You can't talk to your brother as he would be overconfident; sans any words from your father as every word has thousands of uncertainties and you shriek speaking to friends as they would make fun of you.

When you look at Internal Security or Disaster management you start singing tujh pai hai pyarr aaya... because you actually love the topic so much. Same with the Art and Culture, where you admire a small area of 21.7% of the area with around 13.6 million population.

You admire the beauty of Polity and Economy is not-so-difficult now. Moreover, Shankar IAS is your favourite. But you still feel pathetic about yourself as you forgot most of the law stuff including CPC, CrPC and IPC.  You don't know anything about HMA or TPA. However, it is good you still know some Contracts act and Administrative Law.